Martin: “Treat spiders the way you want to be treated”
Jon: “killed without hesitation”
Martin: “darling, we’ve talked about this-“
Martin: “Treat spiders the way you want to be treated”
Jon: “killed without hesitation”
Martin: “darling, we’ve talked about this-“
jonah magnus actually is the funniest and lamest immortal in the show, like simon is the weird crazy old man you'd expect, literally indulging whatever impulse he wants and then fucking off consequence-free, rayner has a cult of worshippers, jude is...gay? and kills people i guess? (i dont really know what her day to day looks like since agnes died, i think she mostly fucks around. she's a pretty young immortal anyway.) breekon and hope are also gay and kill people...
and then this dick is like "i will be a bureaucratic asshole forever." i mean i guess he eats well, but its completely passive its gotta be like, the fast food of the eldrich world. he's sitting on 200 years of wealth plus the ability to blackmail anyone he wants, and he was like 'i would like to do spreadsheets and steal cake from shitty office parties and give vague fatherly advice to employees that vocally hate me everyday for eternity'
I know its late but I needed to express my love still <3
(Edit: poem by Shel Silverstein)
STOP (sob)
Canon Jonah Magnus is way funnier than fanon Jonah Magnus. Why does everyone try to change him. He’s perfect.
Everyone writes him like Stereotypical Creepy Looking Villain Who Is Easily Angered Into Mistakes but he’s so much funnier than that. He’s trying to destroy the world and put everyone in perpetual misery specifically to avoid someone doing that to him first and his Secret Fear Factory is a shitty paranormal research institute full of offices and bureaucracy because he genuinely prefers it that way. The highlight of his week is on Wednesdays when he does the scheduling for next week and the protagonists trying to get out of their shitty fear jobs use this against him.
He almost never gets angry at anyone because he genuinely does not care, he does actually try to be reasonable and convince his employees not to try to kill him or break his stuff, and considers using his See Everything Powers and Evil Mental Torture powers on them to be a strenuous inconvenience. When he is annoyed or threatened enough to pull out the Evil Torture Mind Powers in self defense, he just does it and then washes his hands of it and goes back to being the Totally Normal Institute Manager he genuinely enjoys being. Dude could hire and blackmail people into doing all the boring tedious parts of his job but he just likes doing them himself.
Half of the dude’s character is how Totally Normal he is. Whenever someone has a big revelation about his evil mind powers or his secret immortality or about how he’s killed someone or screwed them over in some way he completely takes the wind out of their sails by acting like this is a normal thing and he forgot they didn’t already know, like they’re inquiring about when they need to attend a new HR seminar by. He treats them like they’re being unreasonable and need to keep up and it’s funny every single time. He’s so good at being a Helpful but Incompetent Office Manager that it’s usually impossible for the protagonists to tell how much he knows and whether he’s screwing them over on purpose at any given time (he always is). He considers little matters like “my employee keeps trying to kill me” and “my employee got me sent to prison for murder” to be minor inconveniences and never holds grudges against anyone because he genuinely doesn’t care about them enough to be angry.
It’s never stated why he has so little control over what the Head Archivist decides to do at any given time; he just seems to hate micromanagement. He let Gertrude do whatever the fuck she wanted for 50 years no matter what danger or inconvenience it caused (it’s reasonable to assume that the vast majority of attacks on the archives during Gertrude’s day were from people who were specifically pissed off at Gertrude’s actions) and only killed her when it was necessary for self-defense. The whole thing is just a sitcom to him. Everyone is an NPC in his Destroy the World Adventure and he doesn’t seem to take anything personally. He’s Owen Burnett who thinks he’s David Xanotos and it’s the funniest fucking thing.
He overreacted and killed ONE GUY with a lead pipe and now half the fanfic treats him like an incredibly weird little murdergoblin who can be incensed into making mistakes with a bit of namecalling and throws his Eye abilities around constantly. The canon version is so much funnier.
#won’t use his psychic murderpowers bc it goes against his principle (singular) which is ‘don’t do anything i don’t want to be doing rn’#has death anxiety specifically because dying would be a scheduling issue#and also wants to eat the whole world essentially for time management purposes#i dont know where you all got the murderboy concept for him he would literally rather just be sitting there at any given moment#sitting on the bench listening to his favorite podcast the magnus archives happening in real time
@distortiondyke gets it.
People find out about his Two (2) Canon Murders and go “wait you mean OUR Jonah?” even when they are his Villainous Allies who do regular murders themselves. “That seems like WAY too much effort for him,” says his friend the Evil Fog Man “He’d have to leave his office and everything”
So within two days of each other, Fox News writes an article comparing aromanticism and asexuality to pedophilia, and then Matt Walsh releases a video saying asexuality is a mental illness and asexuals are tricking teenagers into having depression.
Not sure what’s going on right now over in Conservative World, but it’s a hell of wild U-turn for them to suddenly switch from “Oh no! The left is sexualizing our children!” to “Oh no! The left is asexualizing our children!”
It’s a reminder, I guess, that they’re coming for all of us. The fash and the white supremacists will not make nice distinctions between the queers when they put us up against the wall. There is no gatekeeping, no label-policing, no purity-purging and no assimilation that any of us can do that will save us. They want us dead, and while they’ll start with whoever is most vulnerable at any given time, they’ll get around to all of us eventually.
Queer solidarity means all of us because the fash are coming for all of us.
ANYONE who is trying to divide our community is a fucking Fed. That includes other queers who like to argue about who is and isn’t “allowed” in our community.